The news is filled with stories of people who have embraced potentially harmful conspiracy theories and other extreme beliefs. Such ways of thinking can isolate individuals from friends and family members and even damage relationships irreparably. If someone close to you is headed in that direction, keeping the lines of communication can be difficult.
Understanding the Psychology Behind Extreme Beliefs
To relate to a conspiracy-minded person, we must first try to understand the psychological needs that leave them open to these elaborate narratives. Psychiatrist Joe Pierre, M.D. cites two factors: the “need for uniqueness” and the “needs for certainty, closure and control that are especially salient during times of crisis.”
The person who believes in “dark narratives involving bad actors and secret plots” to explain complicated realities feels special for having access to special knowledge the average person does not. Moreover, conspiracists may seek relief from anxiety, depression and loneliness through affiliation with an exclusive “club” that conspiracy theories tend to foment. These groups may provide the sense of identity and belongingness that may be lacking in the person’s life–especially during the isolation imposed by the pandemic.
How to Stay Connected Without Losing Yourself
Maintaining a relationship with such a friend or relative comes down to a simple maxim:
keep an open mind and an open heart. That is: have empathy, refrain from judgement and condemnation, and stay committed to stay connected.
Some points to consider:
- Realize that all of us are vulnerable to extremist ideas regardless of our education or social background.
- There is a spectrum of acceptance and involvement in extreme worldviews that range from “fence sitters” to “true believers.” The former–though skeptical of experts and authority–may be open to evidence and rational argument. The latter are not.
- Your friend or relative does not see themselves as needing “help” or to be “saved” from their beliefs. In fact, they may see you as misguided and deluded. What they do need is support and connection.
- When possible, talk in person and in private. Don’t argue via email, text or social media.
- Stay calm and be respectful when speaking with the individual. A heated argument achieves nothing. The other person will just double down.
- Don’t be dismissive of their beliefs. Don’t publicly shame them. If you choose to discuss ideas, approach the exchange with real empathy and curiosity. Ask questions rather than make assertions.
- Encourage critical thinking. People who engage with extreme views are naturally curious and skeptical. Help them to turn their skepticism of authorities back onto the radical ideology itself.
- If you choose not to discuss their beliefs, focus on the common bonds that sustain the relationship.
- Don’t expect an immediate change or any change in beliefs held by your friend or family member. One conversation is not enough to make a difference. It took time to embrace extreme beliefs and it will take time to turn away from them–if at all.
Yes, it is difficult to maintain a connection with someone who has fallen down the “rabbit hole” of distasteful and disturbing beliefs. You may be tempted to pull away. But usually the worst thing to do is abandon a close friend or relative. Isolation only breeds more extremism. If someone you care about has been pulled into extremist ideologies, cult recovery counseling can help you process the impact and learn ways to stay grounded while supporting your loved one.