It’s an established trope that people in relationships are likely to argue more about money than any other issue. A 2019 study from the University of Tennessee, Knoxville indicated that even couples who are otherwise happy with each other find their views on money to be a source of challenge. The ‘for richer or poorer’ aspects of many wedding ceremonies rarely get examined to determine what either state of being means to the couple.
People are often uncomfortable broaching the subject, in part, because the previous generations may not have prepared their offspring to discuss the impact of money on nearly every aspect of their lives, including transportation, food, clothing, leisure activities, education, travel and healthcare. When members of the couple have received vastly different spoken and non-verbal messages about money, it complicates it further.
While having ‘the talk’ on this topic won’t conflict-proof your relationship, it can ease the process of learning your individual perspectives and experiences with money and by extension, whether your views are compatible. It can also increase emotional intimacy, especially if you and your partner are willing to be transparent about your beliefs.
Here are a few exercises to help you figure out your relationship with money. Write the word MONEY at the top of a piece of paper and then, popcorn style, without censoring or editing, write words or phrases referencing what comes up for you. They might feel like positive or negative statements. You may be surprised by what arises. Have a conversation with money, perhaps by holding up a dollar bill. Imagine what right livelihood work would bring you fulfillment, make a difference in people’s lives and fill your coffers to overflowing. Spend time with people who have a healthy relationship with money, which doesn’t necessarily mean that they are wealthy by society’s standards. If you visit public places or private homes that feel luxurious or a step beyond where you are now, rather than being envious, see it as practice for what you might want to call into your life
In conversation with your potential partner, or even if you are in an established relationship, ask these questions. Obviously, there are too many to delve into at one sitting and you may feel like squirming when addressing them, but do your best to move through the exploration:
What did you learn about money in childhood?
- Was there enough for your basic needs, or did you wonder where your next meal was coming from?
- Was money abundant and you never had to worry about having a roof over your head, food on the table and clothes on your back?
- Did your parents fight about money?
- Were your parents spenders, savers, generous givers, or gamblers when it came to how money was used?
- Was money offered to reward good behavior?
- Did you equate money with love?
- What have you done throughout your life to earn money?
- What would you like to do to earn money?
- Do you pay your bills on time?
- Do you live paycheck to paycheck?
- Was there a religious component to money in your family of origin, such as the importance of charitable donations?
- Have you been able to break the generational cycle around money?
- Who pays when we go out?
- Do you have debt and if so, how are you paying it off?
- With regard to spending money, do you prefer to use it on objects or experiences?
- Do you want to split expenses and income if we are entering a committed relationship or marriage?
- Do you want a pre-nuptial agreement?
- Do you want to have a shared account and then individual accounts?
- What are your financial goals as individuals and as a couple?