It has been said that children grow up in different homes together. Sounds puzzling, right? What it means is that each child in a family has varied different perceptions of how they and their siblings were raised. In an ideal home, the parents would do all they could to meet each child’s needs and still love them with the same intensity. When that doesn’t occur, for a variety of reasons, children often compete for adults’ love, attention, and approval. Instead of being allies, the siblings become adversaries. Sometimes parents encourage it by praising one over the other(s), justifying it in their minds because the favored child is most like them, and is easier to raise. The ‘difficult’ child may remind them of the other parent with whom there is conflict. Sadly, too many children have heard the invective, “You’re just like your mother/father,” if the child acts out. Differing political, religious or world views may be obstacles to parental approval.

There are times when siblings have animosity toward each other when one is viewed as ‘the Golden Child who can do no wrong’ and is praised by teachers, coaches, and other adults in addition to the caregivers in the child’s life. Resentment builds and the ‘odd kid out’ does what they can to make a mark for themselves and seek attention, even if negative. The thought might be that ‘if I am going to be seen that way, I may as well act that way.

The favored child may revel in the attention and attempt to one up their siblings to maintain their place on the pedestal. One thing to remember is that pedestals are for statues and not people who can be easily toppled. Psychologically healthy parents will remind all of their children that there is enough love for each of them. The parents may even take one on one time with each child so that they each feel special.

In blended families, the parents may favor their biological children over step children, leaving the new members of the family feeling bereft of the attention and care that they also deserve. If a parent leaves a marriage and home and creates a new family, the original children, perhaps without even meeting their stepsiblings may feel angry, rejected, and resentful.

Sometimes, amongst siblings, rivalry takes the form of bullying, with the idea that ‘if I can’t receive attention naturally, I will take what I want by force (either verbal or physical).’ Intimidation is a powerful weapon to subdue a rival.

Rivalry can turn into estrangement that can last a lifetime. In therapy, it is not uncommon for clients to admit that they haven’t spoken with a brother or sister for decades because of a single incident, even a misunderstanding. People have been known to interpret and make assumptions based on the turn of a phrase.

In one family, two brothers who had been extremely close throughout their childhood and young adulthood became estranged when the wife of the older of the two forbade her husband from helping to support the mother of the two sons toward the end of her life, even though they could well afford the nominal financial contribution. The younger brother called him out on his willingness to be controlled by his wife. The rift was never mended, even at the end of the older brother’s life. Although, on the surface, this might not seem like rivalry between the brothers, the competition was clear between the wife of the older brother and the family she married into.

Once family members mature and become adults, they now have a choice about the type of relationship they want with their sibling(s). Exploring how they each got to this point, as objectively as possible, recognizing that they have a choice about how they present themselves in sibling interactions, not allowing any negative influence from the parents, either past or present, and deciding if reconciliation is in their best interest. Sometimes walking away from a toxic situation is the most self-loving thing to do.

Other reasons for sibling rivalry in adulthood:

  • Birth order
  • Various talents (one may be athletic, another artistically inclined)
  • Caring for elderly parents, depending on who lives closer or has more time to devote.
  • A determination to be unlike the favored sibling, so behaviors and choices may be polar opposite.
  • Perception of success in the family based on career choice or income.
  • Settling a parent’s estate.

If you have your own children, you can break the cycle of potential sibling rivalry by reminding them that each has their strengths and abilities and you will love them each with all your heart.

Here are some tips for assisting with sibling rivalry:

Remember that you are a unique individual with your own gifts and talents with no need to compare. See your sibling the same way. Listen to each other’s stories about what it was like to grow up as a sister or brother. Envision the kind of relationship you want with your sibling. If it is physically and emotionally safe to do so, do what you can to make peace.