Last month we discussed the importance of having supportive guidance during a divorce process. Let’s address the steps that may precede divorce – obtaining support to decide if a marriage can be saved.
Understanding the Roots of Relationship Struggles
Almost all of us carry wounds from our childhoods and from past relationships into our current partnership. We repeatedly play out dysfunctional patterns of coping and/or responding until we can understand what underlies these patterns and heal from these harmful behaviors. Couples face challenges for a wide variety of reasons – from disagreements on how to keep their home organized to differing beliefs, interests and values. When faced with these and other struggles, it’s not uncommon to wonder if your relationship can – or even should – be saved.
Communication and Connection
Without clear and open communication, you may fall out of rhythm with your partner. Issues can arise and resentments can build for some time before a danger signal shows up. And then when a challenge arises, it can be easy to slip into the role of victim or martyr when confronted with the reality that your marriage is not succeeding. Reacting with fear can cause false promises to be made in the hope of a quick fix.
Creating Room for Repair and Growth
I can help you both to learn to feel and express gratitude for the positive aspects each of you bring to the marriage. You can improve in more objectively hearing and acknowledging each other’s complaints, and then take immediate action to resolve them. By engaging in couples therapy to learn a new way of relating, and remaining honest and accountable in your communication, you and your partner can feel confident that your needs are being understood and respected. When you know you are in sync with your partner, you can become more tolerant and flexible with one another, giving your love room to grow.
Listening Deeply and Choosing Partnership
The most important thing to be aware of is that listening deeply to your partner is paramount to creating a true partnership between the two of you. Deep listening requires that you open yourself, without an agenda, to what your partner is trying to tell you, from their viewpoint. If you feel a need to be right, or to make a point, this will get in the way. Ask yourself if/when in disagreement with your partner, “Is getting my way the most important need I have right now, or is it for us to have harmony and feel like equals?”
And when you need support to save your relationship, a marriage therapist can help you release resentments, discern the truth about your marriage, and take steps toward healing it.
(Image credit: Ambro/freedigitalphotos.net)