Although it isn’t a four-letter word, sex might as well be, since it is kept in the dark, on the downlow and is sometimes viewed as a source of shame when we are young. Unless we were fortunate enough to grow up in a family in which it was discussed openly, our education came from experimentation, magazines, media and our peers. A therapist relates that she was raised by parents who welcomed her questions, even if they didn’t always know how to respond to her curiosity. For this therapist, body awareness, rather than body shaming, and physical affection by consent, were plentiful. As a result, she grew up to be a sex positive clinician for clients who represent the gender identity and sexual orientation spectrum.
Reclaiming Your Right to Pleasure
The reality is that sex is how we all got here. Since that is the case, how can we normalize conversations about it that keep us from blushing and stumbling over our words? Ask most parents who are about to have the ‘talk’ with their pre-adolescent children how uncomfortable it can be. Ask most kids who have to sit through it.
Sexuality and the healthy enjoyment of it is our birthright. Let’s learn to claim it as we begin to peel off the layers of what may impede our full immersion. Sexual libido is simply life energy.
An important aspect of sexuality is body sovereignty and consent. No one has the right to touch you without your expressed permission. Sadly, too many people experienced touch that was abusive, coerced, or not by consent. It may have started with being told they had to give or receive hugs when they may not have wanted to. These types of encounters lay the groundwork for future attitudes toward sexual interaction.
The bodies we are given at birth have extraordinary receptors that can take in a multitude of sensations. A healthy, vibrant body can offer and receive immense amounts of pleasure. Unfortunately, in many cultures there is the mistaken impression that only certain body types are attractive. That belief limits people in terms of their willingness to be visible. The more you love the shapes and textures of your skin, the more you will enjoy sexual interaction.
Sensuality Starts With the Senses
Sensuality is about immersing ourselves in each experience with senses fully alive and engaged. Enjoying a piece of chocolate can be a luscious sensual treat. Imagine that you are holding a piece of the decadent delight in your hand. Take a deep breath in and inhale the intoxicating aroma. Gaze at it and observe the shape and size. Nibble a bit around the edges and let the melted chocolate slip down your throat as it lingers on your tongue. Are you smiling? Does it feel like you have indulged in the real thing?
Sexuality is greatly enhanced if you allow all your senses to be turned on. The most powerful aphrodisiac is the imagination and the most important sex organ is the mind. We are each responsible for our own pleasure and cannot expect a partner to provide us with that.
Good psychotherapists encourage and coach their clients to identify their turn-ons and then to share that information with any others with whom they are sexually involved so that no one needs to be a mind-reader. You are more likely to get what you want when you know and verbally express what you want.
From Self-Knowledge to Shared Intimacy
Self-pleasuring can be part of the experimentation that informs your discussion with partners. How can we know what we like if we don’t let ourselves fully feel? Was self-pleasuring discouraged or outright forbidden as you were growing up? It is good to remember that our skin is our single largest organ and responds positively to being pampered. It might take the form of soaking in a bubble bath, rubbing sweet-smelling lotion or massage oil on your skin, wrapping yourself in fabric that delights you.
Do you remember the on-screen image of Meg Ryan as Sally Albright in When Harry Met Sally? You know, the famous scene in which she fakes an orgasm in Katz’ Deli and at the end of her heavy breathing, body rocking, hair tossing, a woman at a nearby table played by Estelle Reiner (mother of director Rob Reiner), calls out the classic line, “I’ll have what she’s having?”
Sex helped birth us and our sexuality is also a birthright. If you’re looking to deepen trust, connection, and communication around intimacy, couples counseling can help you explore these conversations with confidence and care.