There is an unfortunate saying in our culture that is often used to punish or discipline children: “Shame on you!” Rather than shame ON you, it would be more accurately worded shame IN you. Shame is a shadow, a hint of darkness, of secrets. It is the feeling of inadequacy and worthlessness, brought on by the teachings of others (“Don’t be such a crybaby!”) or our own self-talk (“I shouldn’t feel this way – I hate myself for feeling this way”). It is the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous.
Psychotherapist and author Helen B. Lewis taught that shame is an umbrella for an entire family of emotions: humiliation, embarrassment, feelings of low self-esteem, belittlement, and stigmatization. These feelings are self-perpetuating – we often feel shame for feeling shame, which of course separates us effectively from feelings of self-love.
Although a great deal of effort can be involved in resolving and releasing feelings of shame and inadequacy, it can be done, and the results are remarkable. Shining a light on the darkness of shame provides access to feelings of love and acceptance for ourselves.
Former personal transformation expert Debbie Ford, who wrote books on shadow, wrote, “Real love is when you reclaim a part of yourself you hated. You find compassion for the part of you that can be so hurt, angry and judgmental. It takes so much energy to submerge and hide the shadow.”
“Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.” Mark Twain