In mental health care, the term “attachment” refers to how you relate to other people in your life. In infancy and early youth you formed an attachment style which stays with you and affects your most intimate relationships – and in fact can determine your own parenting style.

The more you understand your attachment style, the better you can find ways to uncover emotional limitations and improve your close relationships. You can learn how you ensure your emotional needs are met, as well as your vulnerabilities and strengths.

For instance, if you easily relate to others, feeling confident and secure in social relationships, then you are more likely to meet your own and a partner’s needs. But if you are anxious in close relationships, you are more likely to attract a partner who generates feelings of anxiety and emotional hunger in you. This desperation to have safety and security causes you to cling to a partner which, of course, will push a partner away.

How does an attachment style begin?

You learn in infancy what to expect from your closest relationships, your parents or caregivers. The patterns learned from those adults form the patterns that lead to feelings and expectations of others in adult relationships.

When infants develop a secure relationship (attachment) with a primary caregiver, they have a steady springboard from which to explore the world and learn independence. However if the caregiver is emotionally unavailable, the child will become self-contained and learn to avoid interaction. This is the Avoidant Attachment.

If the caregiver is inconsistent and unpredictable, the child will become insecure and frightened. The child becomes a desperate, clingy and yet distrusting adult. When the relationship with a caregiver deteriorates to abusive, the child feels trapped: survival instincts lead her to seek safety yet the source of safety is frightening. The child may detach from the situation by blocking it from their consciousness, a form of dissociation.

Although here we have covered a basic understanding of attachments, in the next few posts we will discuss more in depth the several styles and combinations and how you can move into healthier relationships. You may be interested in this quiz to help you understand your own attachment style.