Maintaining Your Sibling Bond While Caring for Your Elderly or Ill Parent(s)

It has been said that children grow up in different families together. This is so even if you have the same biological parents and seemingly equal benefits. If you were to ask your adult siblings to describe their childhood, you might hear divergent responses. While one might recall their childhood as idyllic, another might shake their head in bewilderment at how their sibling could possibly see it that way. What complicates it further is when you grow up in a blended family with multiple parents and siblings coming and going through each other’s homes, and different expectations and parenting styles. Continuity and cooperative co-parenting can strengthen the bond, while inconsistent rules that change, depending on the relationship between you, your siblings and your birth parents/stepparents, can tear your family apart.

In my psychotherapy practice, I can recall numerous clients who expressed feeling like the odd one out in blended family circumstances, or the ‘black sheep of the family’ who felt outcast. You may continue to struggle many years after entering your adulthood, wanting to be loved and accepted by your siblings. Or you may have surrendered the idea of that ever occurring and reconciled yourself to creating a ‘family of choice’ instead.

On the other side of the equation, you may have had a wonderful bond with your sibling(s) and felt you could count on your sibling to have your back no matter what. Perhaps you were each other’s playmate, confidante, and champion.

Let’s take a look at some beneficial factors that contribute to a healthy family and sibling dynamic that usually endures:

Even when children seem to become happy, healthy, and well-adjusted adults, conflicts may still arise. A common trigger is the illness or incapacitation of a parent. If this occurs when you are raising your own family, you have entered what is referred to as ‘the sandwich generation’. This means that you are sandwiched between caring for the younger and older members of your family simultaneously. Add to that the responsibility of holding down a job and you may have a recipe for burning out as the caregiver.

Some stats from an article called “Caregivers Caught in the Middle—How the Overworked Sandwich Generation Can Cope,” written by LaKeisha Fleming: “Almost 25% of adults are a part of the sandwich generation. Over 50% of US adults in their 40s are raising children ages 18 and younger while caring for an elderly parent. Research shows that more than half of all caregivers are women.”

It takes its toll on mental and physical health if you are attempting to do the sometimes-monumental tasks of caregiving on your own, yet you have siblings or other family members who get involved and who are not in agreement with how you want to offer love and what you feel is necessary care.

A social worker in a nursing home I visited shared about a situation in which the father of an adult son and daughter was at odds with his daughter about whether to withhold a feeding tube, as the father had a Living Will that specifically said he didn’t want one. The son went along reluctantly with his father’s wishes, but the daughter adamantly fought it, saying it was tantamount to starving him.  She considered her brother cruel for wanting that option. The treatment team explained that at this late stage of life, it would be more painful for the father to attempt to process food in his body. The doctor would continue to order fluids and palliative care for his comfort. The two siblings left the meeting, still angry with each other for their stance around their father’s care.

Two sisters who had a mostly cooperative relationship, despite their dramatically different personalities and communication styles, were facing the hospice journey with their beloved mother. The older of the two was the POA (Power of Attorney), primarily because she was a professional in the health care field and was equipped to make decisions with her mother, in consultation with her sister and in the event that their mother was unable to do so. Their mother was diagnosed with CHF (Congestive Heart Failure).  Over a six-month period, the mother was in and out of the hospital. At one point, she was in an inpatient hospice unit. Both siblings had flown down to Florida to be with her during that time.

The older sister consulted with the staff each day and sat with their mother throughout her stay there. The younger sister had befriended another family whose father was also in what was referred to as “God’s Waiting Room,” per the sign in the hallway of the peaceful hospice unit. She spent increasingly more time with this family than with her own. The older sister recognized that it was a defense mechanism for the younger sister against the pain and fear of losing their mother. It was a mixed blessing for the older sister, since it meant more undivided time with her mother. She spoke with her mom about the unfolding dynamic. The mom said that although she was saddened that her youngest daughter would choose to spend more time with this other family, she understood the reason. She voiced her concern about what would happen to her daughters after she was gone. The older daughter assured her that as much as they would miss her, they would be able to grieve and continue with their lives. “No,” said the mom. “I worry if you will be able to stick together.” The daughter reminded her that she and their father had raised them to be resilient and be able to live without their parents, and that extended to their sibling relationship.

When their mother passed in 2010, the two had to work through their challenges, including that interlude in the hospice setting. The younger sister admitted her fears and was not ready to face that her mother was dying. Because of their initial foundation of a solid, loving upbringing, they were able to repair some of their rifts.

Here are some tips for coming together with your siblings while caring for an aging parent:

You are in this together. Honor your shared siblinghood as you honor your parent. Here is a helpful video clip to assist you in the caregiving process and maintaining a solid sibling bond.

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