Humans tend to think in dichotomies, such as up vs. down, in vs. out, good vs. evil, and right vs. wrong. It is programmed into our brains from an early age and hopefully shapes our conscience. A parent who wants to teach their children to act responsibly, may tell them not to touch something that doesn’t belong to them or take something that isn’t theirs. But what happens if they are facing starvation and the only food available is at a store or food stand, and they can’t afford to pay for it? Is stealing morally or ethically wrong in that case?
Lawrence Kohlberg, a deceased psychologist, postulated there are various stages of moral development that we experience as we mature. These stages inform our decision-making process. He determined the stages based on a narrative he shared with his study subjects. The most famous is about a man named Heinz. His wife is seriously ill with cancer and the only medication that could possibly heal her is expensive, yet the pharmacist won’t show compassion and simply give to him, free of charge. Heinz decides to break into the pharmacy and steal it. He gets caught and is brought to trial. A person in the 1st stage of development would say that there are rules that have to be followed and since stealing is wrong, Heinz should face consequences. A person in the 2nd stage would claim that the rules could be changed to accommodate this special circumstance, or that a negotiation could take place to have a fair outcome toward this special circumstance. Someone in the 3rd stage might say that because he is a good husband and wants to save his wife, Heinz should be able to take the drug from the pharmacy. The 4th stage implies that by stealing the drug, Heinz is overthrowing social order. The 5th stage claims that saving a life should overshadow the pharmacist’s right to be paid for the medication. The 6th stage piggybacks on to the previous stage and indicates that it is the right thing to do, no matter what the outcome.
As we consider these morally ambiguous concepts, in some cases, we have the opportunity to ask ourselves what we would do in such a circumstance. Is there a clear right and wrong here?
Are we going down a slippery slope if we simply say that we need to determine at any given moment what we might do if faced with an unexpected dilemma? Is there ever an absolute right and wrong?
This is where polarized thinking comes into play. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, polarized or black and white thinking is considered a ‘cognitive distortion’ that might impair functioning. With polarized thinking, there is no room for middle ground or negotiating differences. Such a mindset can be unsettling in relationships and exacerbate anxiety when the world is viewed through a lens of absolutism. When engaged in polarized thinking, a therapist could best serve the client by helping them see that sometimes there are shades of gray.
Black and white thinking can also take the form of negative self-talk or self-aggrandizement. Telling yourself that you are the worst at everything can be self-sabotaging, while stating that you are the best at everything, smarter than everyone else and no one is better, is a delusional thought. Common words related to this dilemma are always, never, perfection, have to, like no one has ever seen, and should. Balance is called for and one correction could be to substitute the words sometimes, once in a while, doing the best I can, and I’m perfectly imperfect. Ask yourself questions such as “Can I be sure that my thoughts are true?” Consider how you would address a friend who is struggling with all or nothing thinking
In this present time of turmoil and challenge, we are faced with people whose values are in synch with our own and some whose beliefs are polar opposite ours. How do we reconcile those differences while holding true to our own guiding star?
Consider that people’s values and thoughts are shaped by their experiences. You may remind yourself that if you lived their lives and had their personal narrative, you might see the world the way they do.
A greater degree of open-mindedness with oneself and others will arguably help you find greater value, harmony with others, and peace within.
For questions and information about starting therapy with me, click here.