We’ve been discussing how psychological attachment styles affect our development and our adult relationships. This post covers The Avoidant style, the child who learns early in life that her needs will usually not be met by a caregiver, and she becomes self-sufficient, avoiding dependence and interaction with others. The avoidance can be an effective defense, whether or not the child is genuinely distressed by her parents’ distance.

The Avoidant adult may be perceived as aloof or detached, rarely seeking out comfort or contact. People with this type of attachment style tend to be self-focused and appear selfish, disregarding the feelings and interests of other people. They may find emotional intimacy a challenge, and they usually withdraw from arguments, with excuses such as long working hours, or feelings of being suffocated.

Avoidant adults are usually uncomfortable with physical contact and affection and choose to maintain distance from a partner. While they may appreciate friendship, romantic love and commitment are to be avoided. However, some avoidants are loners who prefer physical and emotional isolation, and prefer to live life practically rather than emotionally.

When a personal relationship breaks apart, many Avoidants will withdraw rather than seek out comfort and advice. They deny that they feel vulnerable and suppress their emotions rather than recognize their need for attachment. If they do seek out support from others, they are more likely to use manipulation or indirect strategies like sulking or complaining.

The Avoidant style, like other less-functional attachment styles, is not a life-long sentence. Psychotherapy is very effective in teaching new ways to relate on an intimate level. You can learn to acknowledge and express your emotions and needs for intimacy. If you recognize yourself in this article and want to explore your options, please do not hesitate to reach out to us.